As the time draws nearer....

As the impending birth of Noah Johnson draws near, I find myself reflecting on how special he is to me. How can an unborn baby touch anybody's heart other than his own mother's? Andie will be heading into the hospital tomorrow (January 5th), and while I will let her keep you informed with the details herself, I wanted to share how God has used this precious baby in my life.


For those who don't know, Andie and I met working at Starbucks. I was her manager and never let her forget it..hahaha. I was always yelling at her to "Get to Work!!", but totally joking of course, because she was an awesome barista. We grew closer after we found out that we were both Christians and right before I stepped down as a manger, we attended a young life womens retreat together with our other friends Barb and Sue. The rest is history. We started a bible study, prayed over each other and Andie and Barb were present at Jack's birth. That was really special for me. We've tried to stay in contact as much as possible since my move to Colorado, but life has gotten in the way. I was devastated when I had to miss the birth of her daughter Ella. But, through email, myspace and facebook, we've been able to stay as close as we can. I think we are good at keeping each other grounded in the Lord and building one another up with encouragement.


A few weeks before Andie's gender ultrasound, she shared what every expecting mother shares when she's about to have an ultrasound....fear. I think we have all experienced some concern for our babies at one point or another during pregnancy. It's natural, i think. She was nervous and couldn't wait to hear the good news that everything was perfect; because deep down, she felt that something was wrong. She said she'd email me as soon as they heard the sex of the baby. The appointment came and went and I heard nothing. I remember telling James that I was worried because I hadn't heard from her, but it was the weekend and I assumed she was celebrating or busy with family stuff. I had no idea what they were really going through that weekend.


In order for you to get the whole story, I have to share what was building in my life during this time. I was suffering from severe depression. Baby blues or not, I was not thinking clearly. I was having panic attacks and anxiety issues, and I contemplated leaving my family several times during last year. The pain and the hurt was too much for me and I just wanted to give up. I was mad at James for not being a "perfect" husband. My kids stressed me out and they were naughty all the time. We were struggling to make ends meet financially and I had no direction or purpose. Every single day was a struggle and I was just mad all the time. September of '08 was a turning point for me. I once read that if you are seeking to know more of the Lord and wanting to draw closer to Him, do not be surprised if you experience pain and suffering on the way there. This was true for my situation. As I sat in church unfocused and fighting every attempt the Lord was making to pursue me, a series of events unfolded before my eyes, and I knew He had been there carrying me this whole time. Things were starting to fall into place and make sense again. So, I gave it all to God early that month; praying i'd have direction with my church. God answered it by using our pastor to tell me to "stop wandering" (this is a cool story, ask me about it sometime). Praying i'd see my husband through God's eyes and love him unconditionally. God answered it when James and I went to see fireproof with some church friends and i started reading "the love dare". Praying that God would help me be thankful for the wonderful gift of my children, praying to know God on a deeper level and praying for a thriving prayer life. God answered all three of these using one special baby.


I still remember the email. I have it saved in my mailbox. The date was Monday, September 29th and the subject line read, "Our sweet baby". Even before opening it, I knew something was wrong. And then the next few minutes were a blur, as I read it over and over and over, trying to understand and catch every detail. I just kept thinking about how Andie was right. How did she know? The words in that email were almost poetic, as they spoke about their beautiful son, and their amazing faith in God's will for their baby's life. How much they trusted God's plan and knew that He, our wonderful maker, would heal their baby. Their strength through all of this has been amazing and I admire them dearly for it. I, on the other hand, was in a different place. I wasn't understanding God's plan and I fell apart. I literally wept the entire day, every few minutes. I was doing laundry, started crying. Washing dishes, started crying. Called our dear friend Barb to find out what she knew, and couldn't hold it together long enough to get my words out. How on earth was I going to help and comfort Andie when I lived so far away? What did she need? How would she want me to handle this? And then I knew what to do. Pray. I got down on my knees that day and prayed like I've never prayed before. I wrote out little 3x5 cards of prayers and posted them all over the house, so that I could pray every time I saw them. I emailed our church and asked for prayer and I've been praying ever since. Noah has his own special tab in my prayer journal. A prayer journal that was created because God has used this baby to get me on my knees every day since and enjoy a thriving prayer life. God used Noah to show me the gift I have in my own children. To be totally honest, God used Noah to give me a brand new life in the Lord and the blessings have been abundant since the day I obeyed. I finally have purpose and direction again.


Which brings me back to Andie. I have felt enormous guilt that God has used her baby to bring me back to Him. Why didn't something happen to me or my children? And then I stop and realize that there is no way for us to know why this happened the way it did. It has been my desire, this whole time, to show my sincere appreciation to Andie, for allowing God to use Noah this way. I cannot imagine the toll it takes or how heavy the burden must feel at times. All I can do is continue to pray.


Last month I had a bit of a revelation. These last few months have been...a growing period for me. I kept telling people how excited I was that God was so present and so alive in my life, that I was sure He was preparing me for something BIG!! And then it dawned on me that not all of God's plans are joyous. I had to accept the fact that God could very well be preparing me for something terrible in the future. I have accepted that possibility and feel prepared to take whatever God gives me. Bring the Rain!!!


Please pray for Andie and Kyle, their daughter Ella and baby Noah these next few days. They covet your prayers as they await the unfolding of God's plans for their son.